My story

I cannot operate a blog such as this one, and be unwilling to share my own story, so here goes, although I reserve the right to change details in the story from time to time…

As with any story there are many details, but I will try to limit it to the relevant facts. Even as a child I was aware that I am different than other people – I have always reacted differently to stimuli from my environment than other people. I always had a poor self-image and struggled to keep close friends. I have difficulty adapting socially and my need to be understood and accepted have driven me, more than once, to do things which are against my principles.

As with most Bipolar people, I am rather creative and intelligent. This makes it difficult for me to focus my attention on what I’m busy doing and to complete it – I complete very few things I start, because I am easily distracted by other things I am more interested in. Even here and now, there are other things actually demanding my attention. I am not “hyperactive”. I struggle to stick to my budget and have landed in trouble more than once, because I have in the past made financial commitments I couldn’t honour. The subsequent stress these facts puts on a marriage were also major contributing factors in my divorce.

I had my first depressive episode at the age of 12. I changed schools and had a tough time adapting. The second episode came about a year later when my academic performance went for a loop and I lost the only thing by which I felt I could validate myself at that time. Consequently, I gave studying the bird and cruised through the rest of my school career. When I was 16, I told one of my teachers that I had been feeling depressed for a long time. Now that I know what to look for, I realise that there were several episodes of mania or hypomania in between – normally I don’t remember much of manic or hypo-manic episodes. I also don’t remember much about my first semester at varsity – I was too busy with other things (due to mania or hypomania). As a result, I didn’t make it.

After abandoning varsity I went abroad to find myself and hopefully, direction in life. This was a partially successful mission. I found some direction, but the puzzle that is me just got more enigmatic. Subsequently, my second attempt to study also didn’t work out. The fact that I was involved in drugs while abroad and that I discovered how much fun alcohol could be, was a recipe for failure. I only recently realised how alcohol influences my mental states, and I avoid it as far as I can now.

About two years ago I realised that something was seriously wrong and that I needed help – I couldn’t cope with anything. Because I was aware of something called “Manic Depression” I went to see a psychologist hoping to get help. At the time I thought that it was a psychological thing; only later I learnt that it is physiological. I was referred to a psychiatrist, who positively diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2, rapid cycling.) He prescribed Tegretol, which stabilized me to a great extent, but it made me feel like a zombie, because I was emotionally incapable of responding to things and I hated that.

I didn’t like the psychiatrist and I didn’t stay with him too long because I felt he wasn’t listening to me; it felt as if I was speaking to a wall, and 30 minutes later I got an extended prescription. After a while I quit the treatment, because I was feeling OK. I hated the feeling and the thought that I had to go through life on crutches – other people maybe, BUT NOT ME. I started believing that mind-over-matter was sufficient. How wrong I was! I am still calculating the cost of everything I did to myself in that time – my marriage also went belly up in that time and… yes.

I have since have since started seeing a different psychiatrist, and I like him better – I think that he, at least, listens to me; although he also made a mistake or two. When I saw him for the first time (Nov. 2008,) I was suicidally depressed. He prescribed Talomil, which I think saved my life. I saw him again in January 2009, because I feared that I may be on the verge of a manic phase, as I started seeing the symptoms. He left me on Talomil, and the very next day the mania hit me. It was the worst episode I ever experienced and it lasted two weeks. Currently I am feeling that I am on the apex of the roller coaster track – there is a huge dip ahead. I have found that the depressive cycle, which always follows the manic or hypomanic cycle, is directly proportional to the intensity of the preceding phase.

How do I manage to live with my condition? I honestly don’t know, but I can offer to share this advice:

1. Develop a good support structure. This includes loved ones and your psychologist and your psychiatrist. Ideally it should also include your spiritual shepherd.
2. Take responsibility for your own wellbeing and help those in your support structure to help you – see to it that you keep your appointments with your psychiatrist. Speak to the people in your support structure, even though they may not have BPD themselves and even though you KNOW that they don’t understand. STICK TO YOUR MEDICATION, even though it may make you feel weak that you must go through life on crutches.
3. Learn everything you possibly can about your condition and pass the information on to your loved ones.
4. Whether I want to accept it or not, God holds my hand; if it wasn’t for His grace, I wouldn’t be here writing these words. God created you and nobody, not even you yourself, understands your inner workings as well as He. His grace is sufficient for you, and it is at your disposal – use it. Please.

Finally: Remember that BPD is a physiological illness which manifests psychologically. It is a condition which, like any other physiological disease, diabetes, for example, can be managed. Just like diabetes, BPD can’t be cured, but a person with the condition who neglects to manage it, is a ticking time bomb.