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Dis nou al weke lank wat ek voel die swart hond loer vir my. Ek het nou tot die slotsom gekom dat hy nou knor, hy loer nie meer nie.
Ek verwys gewoonlik na my depressiewe siklus as die swart hond. Voor ek heeltemal in depressie inglip en aan niks wil dink nie, niks wil doen nie, nie eers lewe nie, moet ek dalk op skrif stel wat die omstandighede was vandat ek laas iets gesê het daaroor tot nou. En dalk ʼn woorde prentjie probeer skilder van wat ek tans voel en beleef.
Vrydag, die sesde Maart, sou my huweliksherdenking wees. Ek was die afgelope tyd onder hewige druk by die werk en ek was laas week Donderdag, die vyfde Maart, siek in die bed met ʼn grieperigheid. Ek dink dit sou wys wees om Vrydag ook in die bed te bly – ek het beslis daarna gevoel – maar ek voel geweldig skuldig as ek van die werk af wegbly; dit voel altyd vir my of mense my nie sal glo as ek sê ek is siek nie, of dat my redes nie aanvaar sal word nie.
Dit word die afgelope tyd vir my duideliker dat mense my weer begin irriteer. Ek verkies dit om alleen te wees. Ek is nie lus om te gesels nie, ek stel nie belang in wat mense dink, sê of doen nie. Ek wil nie hê mense moet op die stadium te naby aan my kom nie. Ek wonder hoekom dit so is? Ek dink die afgelope tyd se stres was beslis ʼn katalisator vir depressie – stres, deurmekaar slaappatrone, emosionele wroeging, fisiese siekte – dis genoeg om ʼn depressie te trigger.
Die groot ding op die stadium is, ek soek nie mense rondom my nie; ek stel nie belang nie; ek wil uitgelos wees; ek sou, as ek kon, dit verkies om in my bed te bly lê met die duvet oor my kop. Ek soek stilte. Ek wil nie musiek hoor nie, ek wil nie kitaar speel nie, ek wil nie skryf nie, ek wil maar kry nie eers gekonsentreer om skaak te speel nie. Als irriteer my, myself inkluis.
Wat voel ek? Ek voel geïrriteerd, lusteloos, moeg, dood. My kop haak vas op negatiewe gedagtes, herinneringe en emosies. In manie is dit maklik om net die positiewe te voel, al ken jy nie altyd die verskil tussen positief en negatief nie. In depressie is dit andersom, alhoewel my oordeel tydens depressiewe siklus gewoonlik beter is.
Ek wens ek kan eendag die redelikheid van depressie met die energie van manie bymekaar kry. En wat die mense om my betref – hulle hoef nie noodwendig te weet hoe ek oor hul teenwoordigheid voel nie, en uit die aard van die saak is die mense om my, my brood en botter. So, ek moet seker maar die vriendelike gesiggie opsit en hierdeur werk soos ek al van te vore gedoen het. Dit sal ook weer verbygaan.
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For weeks now I’ve been feeling that the black dog is staring at me. I have reached the conclusion that it is not staring anymore, it is growling.
I normally refer to my depressive cycle as the black dog. Before I completely lapse into depression and don’t feel like doing anything, not even live, I want to put down in writing what the circumstances were since my previous entry and now. And maybe try to paint a picture in words as to what I am feeling and experiencing at present.
Friday, the sixth of March, would have been my wedding anniversary. Lately I’ve been under a lot of pressure at work, and on Thursday, the fifth of March, I was sick in bed with the flu. I think it would have been wise to stay in bed on Friday too – I definitely felt like it – but I always feel extremely guilty when I stay away from work; I always feel people won’t believe that I’m ill, or that whichever reason for not being there will not be accepted.
It has become apparent to me lately that people annoy me. I prefer being alone. I don’t feel like chatting, I’m not interested in what people say, do or think. I don’t want anybody coming too close to me at this stage. I wonder why it is like this. I think the stress of the last time has definitely been a catalyst for depression – stress, erratic sleeping patterns, emotional strife, and physical illness – that is enough to trigger depression.
The major theme currently is that I don’t want people around me; I’m not interested; I wish to be left alone; I would, if I could, prefer to stay in bed with the duvet over my head. I crave silence. I don’t want to hear music, I don’t want to play the guitar, I don’t want to write, I want to, but can’t seem to muster the concentration, to play chess. Everything, including myself, annoys me.
What am I feeling? I’m feeling irritated, feckless, tired, and dead. My thoughts seem to get stuck on negatives: negative thoughts and memories. During mania it is easy to only feel the positive, even though you can’t always discern between positive and negative. In depression it is the other way around, but my judgement is normally better.
If only, some day, I can marry the reason in depression to the energy of mania. As for how I feel about the people surrounding me, they don’t necessarily have to know how I feel about their presence. Also, people around me are my bread and butter, so I will have to put on the friendly face and press through this as I have done before. This too shall pass.
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