Hy knor… It growls…

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Dis nou al weke lank wat ek voel die swart hond loer vir my. Ek het nou tot die slotsom gekom dat hy nou knor, hy loer nie meer nie.

Ek verwys gewoonlik na my depressiewe siklus as die swart hond. Voor ek heeltemal in depressie inglip en aan niks wil dink nie, niks wil doen nie, nie eers lewe nie, moet ek dalk op skrif stel wat die omstandighede was vandat ek laas iets gesê het daaroor tot nou. En dalk ʼn woorde prentjie probeer skilder van wat ek tans voel en beleef.

Vrydag, die sesde Maart, sou my huweliksherdenking wees. Ek was die afgelope tyd onder hewige druk by die werk en ek was laas week Donderdag, die vyfde Maart, siek in die bed met ʼn grieperigheid. Ek dink dit sou wys wees om Vrydag ook in die bed te bly – ek het beslis daarna gevoel – maar ek voel geweldig skuldig as ek van die werk af wegbly; dit voel altyd vir my of mense my nie sal glo as ek sê ek is siek nie, of dat my redes nie aanvaar sal word nie.

Dit word die afgelope tyd vir my duideliker dat mense my weer begin irriteer. Ek verkies dit om alleen te wees. Ek is nie lus om te gesels nie, ek stel nie belang in wat mense dink, sê of doen nie. Ek wil nie hê mense moet op die stadium te naby aan my kom nie. Ek wonder hoekom dit so is? Ek dink die afgelope tyd se stres was beslis ʼn katalisator vir depressie – stres, deurmekaar slaappatrone, emosionele wroeging, fisiese siekte – dis genoeg om ʼn depressie te trigger.

Die groot ding op die stadium is, ek soek nie mense rondom my nie; ek stel nie belang nie; ek wil uitgelos wees; ek sou, as ek kon, dit verkies om in my bed te bly lê met die duvet oor my kop. Ek soek stilte. Ek wil nie musiek hoor nie, ek wil nie kitaar speel nie, ek wil nie skryf nie, ek wil maar kry nie eers gekonsentreer om skaak te speel nie. Als irriteer my, myself inkluis.

Wat voel ek? Ek voel geïrriteerd, lusteloos, moeg, dood. My kop haak vas op negatiewe gedagtes, herinneringe en emosies. In manie is dit maklik om net die positiewe te voel, al ken jy nie altyd die verskil tussen positief en negatief nie. In depressie is dit andersom, alhoewel my oordeel tydens depressiewe siklus gewoonlik beter is.

Ek wens ek kan eendag die redelikheid van depressie met die energie van manie bymekaar kry. En wat die mense om my betref – hulle hoef nie noodwendig te weet hoe ek oor hul teenwoordigheid voel nie, en uit die aard van die saak is die mense om my, my brood en botter. So, ek moet seker maar die vriendelike gesiggie opsit en hierdeur werk soos ek al van te vore gedoen het. Dit sal ook weer verbygaan.

* * *

For weeks now I’ve been feeling that the black dog is staring at me. I have reached the conclusion that it is not staring anymore, it is growling.

I normally refer to my depressive cycle as the black dog. Before I completely lapse into depression and don’t feel like doing anything, not even live, I want to put down in writing what the circumstances were since my previous entry and now. And maybe try to paint a picture in words as to what I am feeling and experiencing at present.

Friday, the sixth of March, would have been my wedding anniversary. Lately I’ve been under a lot of pressure at work, and on Thursday, the fifth of March, I was sick in bed with the flu. I think it would have been wise to stay in bed on Friday too – I definitely felt like it – but I always feel extremely guilty when I stay away from work; I always feel people won’t believe that I’m ill, or that whichever reason for not being there will not be accepted.

It has become apparent to me lately that people annoy me. I prefer being alone. I don’t feel like chatting, I’m not interested in what people say, do or think. I don’t want anybody coming too close to me at this stage. I wonder why it is like this. I think the stress of the last time has definitely been a catalyst for depression – stress, erratic sleeping patterns, emotional strife, and physical illness – that is enough to trigger depression.

The major theme currently is that I don’t want people around me; I’m not interested; I wish to be left alone; I would, if I could, prefer to stay in bed with the duvet over my head. I crave silence. I don’t want to hear music, I don’t want to play the guitar, I don’t want to write, I want to, but can’t seem to muster the concentration, to play chess. Everything, including myself, annoys me.

What am I feeling? I’m feeling irritated, feckless, tired, and dead. My thoughts seem to get stuck on negatives: negative thoughts and memories. During mania it is easy to only feel the positive, even though you can’t always discern between positive and negative. In depression it is the other way around, but my judgement is normally better.

If only, some day, I can marry the reason in depression to the energy of mania. As for how I feel about the people surrounding me, they don’t necessarily have to know how I feel about their presence. Also, people around me are my bread and butter, so I will have to put on the friendly face and press through this as I have done before. This too shall pass.

Mixed states

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Ek beleef tans “mixed states”. Dit is wanneer my gemoed baie vinnig wissel tussen hipomanie en ligte depressie. Dit gebeur gewoonlik wanneer mens tussen fases wissel – in my geval, gebeur dit gewoonlik in die oorgang van die maniese- of hipomaniese siklus na ʼn depressie siklus.

Een van my doelstellings met hierdie blog is om mense wat met ʼn BPD-lyer saamleef in te lig oor die dinge waarvoor mens moet uitkyk, en om lyers uit my eie ondervinding uit te onderrig. Dit is belangrik dat albei hierdie partye moet weet wat aangaan, en watter rigting die lyer se gemoed besig is om te gaan.

Een van die eerste plekke waar ek agterkom dat my toestand besig is om van siklus te verwissel is in my slaappatrone. Ek het op die beste van tye nie so iets nie want as ek manies of hipomanies is, slaap ek nie lank nie en ook baie onrustig. Ek droom egter selde of ooit in die fases. Alhoewel ek nie regtig slaap nie, ervaar ek dat ek onuitputbare energie het – een van die redes hoekom ek nie slaap nie. Die ander rede is dat my kop eenvoudig net nie afskakel nie.

In my depressiewe siklus slaap ek elke oomblik wat ek kan – dit is nie vreemd vir my om tydens ʼn depressiewe siklus 10 tot 12 ure per dag te slaap nie. Dit maak nie saak hoeveel ek slaap nie, ek bly moeg en uitgeput. Dit maak seker sin as die depressiewe siklus voorafgegaan is deur ʼn maniese- of hipomaniese siklus.

Ek kom dit ook in my interaksie met mense agter – ek sit in geselskap en het niks om te sê nie, en stel ook nie belang om te luister na wat mense sê nie. Gelukkig weet baie van my vriende hoekom dit is, en ook om my uit te los omdat ek op so stadium uitgelos wil wees.

Terloops, in Tipe 2 Bipolêr volg ʼn depressiewe siklus altyd na ʼn maniese- of hipomaniese siklus. Dalk is dit nou ʼn goeie tyd om die verskil tussen manie en hipomanie te verduidelik – in toekoms sal ek slegs na manie verwys want dis ʼn schlep om die heeltyd manie of hipomanie te tik. Hipomanie is minder intens as manie – jy voel goed, maar nie so goed soos tydens ʼn manie nie – jy is oor die algemeen verantwoordeliker ook. It is high, but not AS high.

ʼn BPD lyer in die manie hallusineer soms, hoor stemme en verloor tred met realiteit. Dit het in my vorige maniese fase gebeur – ek het ʼn volslae maniese fase gehad en effens tred met realiteit verloor. Dit gaan dikwels met opgeblase persoonlikheid gepaard en die lyer dink regtig hy kan enige iets aanpak.

Ek het nou heeltemal op ʼn raaklyn afgegaan van waar ek begin het. Ek het gesê dat in Tipe 2 Bipolêr die maniese siklus altyd gevolg word deur ʼn depressiewe siklus; ʼn depressiewe siklus word egter nie altyd voorafgegaan deur ʼn maniese siklus nie. Tipe 2 lyers het gewoonlik meer depressiewe siklusse as wat hulle maniese siklusse het.

Die mixed state is, soos wat mens op die prentjie kan sien, ʼn emosionele wipplank en die ʼn raserige toestand in mens se kop – in my geval weet ek watter kant toe ek besig is om te gaan en ek ervaar tans vrees en paniek omdat ek weet hier ʼn diep depressie voor my lê.

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I am currently experiencing mixed states. This is when my mood changes rapidly between hypomania and light depression. This normally happens when I am shifting between states – in my own case, it normally occurs in the transition from the manic or hypomanic cycle to a depressive cycle.

One of my aims with this blog is to inform those living with a BPD-sufferer for the things to watch out for, and to educate sufferers from my own experience. It is important that both parties should know what is happening, and which way the sufferer’s mood is turning.

One of the first places I notice that I am cycling is in my sleeping patterns. At the best of times I have none – when manic or hypomanic, I don’t sleep for long and usually restlessly. I don’t, however, dream during these cycles. Even though I don’t really sleep, I experience that I have inexhaustible energy – also, one of the main reasons I don’t sleep. The other reason, of course, is that my head simply doesn’t switch off.

During my depressive cycles I sleep every moment I can spare to do so – it is not uncommon for me to sleep 10 to 12 hours per day. It doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I remain exhausted. I guess it figures when the depressive cycle was preceded by a manic or hypomanic cycle.

I also notice changes in my interactions with people – I can sit in company with nothing to say, and I’m disinterested in hearing what people are saying. Fortunately, most of my friends know why this is and to leave me alone, because when my mood takes this turn, I wish to be left alone.

By the way, in Type 2 Bipolar a depressive cycle always follows a manic- or hypomanic cycle. This may be a good time to explain the difference between mania and hypomania – in future I shall only refer to it as mania because having to type mania or hypomania all the time is an awful schlep. Hypomania is less intense than mania – you feel great, but not to the extent you do during mania. Normally you are more responsible during hypomania than during mania. You are high, but not AS high.

A BPD sufferer in mania hallucinates sometimes, hears voices and loses touch with reality. This happened during my past manic cycle – I had a full-blown mania and lost touch with reality to a certain degree. It also tends to coincide with delusions of grandieur and the sufferer believes he can attempt anything.

I completely went of on a tangent from where I started. I mentioned that in Type 2 Bipolar, the manic cycle is always followed by a depressive cycle; however, a depressive cycle is not always preceded by a manic cycle. Type 2 sufferers normally have more depressive cycles than manic cycles.

The mixed state is, as one can see from the diagram, an emotional teeter-totter and a noisy state in one’s head – in my case I know which way I’m going and I am experiencing fear and panic because I know there is a deep depression lying ahead of me.

Welkom… Welcome…

…by die geraas in my kop. Ek ken so bietjie van blog en ek weet nie of hierdie altyd ‘n aangename blog gaan wees om te lees nie, maar ek het gevind dat om oor dinge te skryf dit partymaal makliker maak om mee saam te leef omdat dit dinge in ‘n ander perspektief plaas.

Hierdie blog gaan eksklusief rondom my eie persoonlike ervaring met Bipolêre Persoonlikheidsversteuring. Maniese Depressie. The Brilliant Madness. Ek wil nie oor allerhande ander koeitjies en kalfies hier skryf nie, en ek wil die blog graag as ‘n forum gebruik om mense soos ek te ontmoet… Bipolêr is ‘n moeilike paadjie om op te stap, maar dis nie noodwendiglik altyd ‘n alleenpaadjie nie, maar soms is dit.

Uit die aard van iemand met Bipolêr gaan ek nie beloftes maak oor hoe gereeld ek die blog gaan opdateer nie, ek sal dit doen as ek so voel, of as ek voel ek het iets om te sê… so, daar’s nie waarborge nie. Maar praat met my… dalk help jy my, en dalk, net dalk, help ek jou.

…to the noise in my head. I know some things about blogging and I doubt this will always be a pleasant blog to read, but I have found that by writing about things make them easier to cope with, as this sometimes presents something in a different light.

This blog deals exclusively with my own personal experience in living vir Bipolar Depression. Manic Depression. The Brilliant Madness. I won’t be discussing allsorts of this and that on this blog, I rather want to use the blog as a forum to meet others like myself… Bipolar is a difficult road to wander down, but it doesn’t always have to be a lonely road, although it often is.

Due to the very nature of Bipolar, I cannot make any promises as to how often I will update this blog; I will do so when I feel like it, or if I feel I have something to say; there are just no guarantees here. But please speak to me… maybe it helps me… maybe you can help me, and maybe, just maybe, I may be able to help you.

Hierdie is ‘n bilingual blog / This is a tweetalige blog